It started to get sticky in the apartment yesterday, so I figured we were close enough to the summer to know what songs will remain at the top of the Top 40 this season, and that I could profile everyone’s musical taste based on which of the songs below you like most. As a disclaimer, please understand this isn’t meant to offend anyone. It’s pretty much my exaggerated opinions of each song personified. Hopefully you’ll agree with me, though. Let’s get to it.
“Not a Bad Thing” by Justin Timberlake – You’re still coming off the Justin Timberlake/boy band high you got from “Mirrors” last summer, and “Not a Bad Thing” is the shot in the arm you needed to keep said high going. For lack of better phrasing, it’s not a bad thing to be in such a state, but beware of the hangover you’ll get once JT runs out of singles to release from The 20/20 Experience and he doesn’t come out with an album for at least another two years.
“Happy” by Pharrell Williams – You are the embodiment of the late majority. This song came out on the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack in June of last year, it was officially released as a single in November of last year, and it has been dominating the charts ever since. Whether you finally decided to turn your radio to a pop station or you just rented Despicable Me 2 on DVD and heard the song there, you are now obsessed with the song just after everyone is starting to come down from the “Happy” high. But that doesn’t matter. The song makes you happy, and you’ll bump it until you’ve listened to it as long as everyone else has.
“Birthday” by Katy Perry – You’re about as basic as a bitch can get. Apparently every single Katy Perry puts out is gold to you, regardless of how much any one of her songs sounds like another. You’re comfortable with the middle ground that pop has provided over the last five years, but that’s probably because you have better things to do than find new and different music.
“Beachin'” by Jake Owen – You pretty much only listen to country. “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line was your summer anthem all of August 2012 AND Summer 2013, and the lyrics from “Beachin’ couldn’t get you any more pumped for the fun you’re gonna have in Summer 2014. Unfortunately, you may end up spending more time in the CUSA mud pits than you will on the shores of any Great Lake, so you best make it a point to save some of your beer money for gas money to get to where you really want to be.
“Talk Dirty” by Jason Derulo (feat. 2Chainz) – You remember Jason Derulo always having a song or two throughout high school. You don’t know how he’s stuck around for this long, but “In My Head” wasn’t bad, so you decide to roll with it, because 2CHAIIIINZZZZ!!! Most people can concede with you that that middle eastern beat is too dirty to pass up.
“Fancy” by Iggy Azalea (feat. Charli XCX) – Your inner feminist can finally be unleashed now that another woman has broken back into mainstream hip hop. Even better, she’s a woman with a booty, which is more relatable and empowering than any other former model in terms of the body image she portrays. You’re smart to hop on the Charli XCX train based on her success with Icona Pop on “I Love It”. Despite how much you find Iggy to be the queen of Summer, you’d never have the audacity to attempt to pull off the Cher Horowitz yellow plaid getup outside of Halloween.
“Problem” by Ariana Grande (feat. Iggy Azalea) – Your inner feminist unleashed, minus the affinity for the multiple verses hip hop brings to the table. Ariana Grande is less intimidating than full-on Iggy, and you’d rather be reminded of JoJo and Selena Gomez than anything edgier.
“Love Never Felt So Good” by Michael Jackson – You might be obsessed with Michael. All these other summer jams are OKAY, but you’re in it for the #Nostalgia. The sounds on this song are a happy compromise between the Jackson sounds of old and the JT-style pop that is dominating the airwaves nowadays, so it’s pretty much perfect for you. Don’t feel too insulted if others don’t cry as much as you do listening to posthumous Michael Jackson music though. Not everyone’s as crazy of a fan as you are. Deal with it.
These last two are a little more wild card, as niether of them are on the Billboard Hot 100 yet:
“Get Low” by Dillon Francis and DJ Snake – You LOVE that middle eastern drop on that Jason Derulo song, but you need something a little more obscure to whet your appetite. This song doesn’t have the best buildup to the drop, but when the whistles go WHOOOOOO, you go WHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO even harder. The instrumental’s a little more technical and keeps you more interested than any traditional pop song ever could. You’re just scratching the surface of EDM, and can always credibly tout this song as the song that put you on to the genre.
“Jealous (I Ain’t With It)” by Chromeo – You are still going to bump “Get Lucky” as one of your summer songs this year, even though you know it is soooo last year. You hope to God that this song gets popular so you can validate it as the replacement for the void in your soul left by the Grammy-winning Daft Punk hit. There’s just something about this song that gets you going. It has that funk you can’t ignore, and you will push it on all your friends relentlessly until they unfollow you on Twitter or stop talking to you in person. But when Chromeo finally makes it on the charts, you can whine about how you knew it first, and your friends may or may not vouch for you.
Well, there you go. The songs of the summer and their respective doppelgangers. So, which category do YOU fall into? Which song is YOUR summer jam? Let me know in the comments, even if your song wasn’t on this list. I can’t wait to hear what your jams of the season are.